Where'd you go?
I miss you so.
Seems like it's been forever since you've been gone.

Ya, I am totally listening to this song right now.
Why? Cause I am not doing so well with the William detox.
My heart is broken, and I can't hide it anymore.

So there I was, watching Lara Croft Tomb Raider
( My brother is in town.. enough said.)
and out of no where somewhere right after she punches
a shark in the face ( Did I mention it was a gay movie?)
and IN POPS INTO MY HEAD...

"I don't think that you will ever lose me."

William said this to me after he was trying to push me away
the first time. I went to his house, ultimately to say goodbye,
and ended up not saying goodbye at all.
Laying there, I confided in him and in my words I was offering
a piece of my soul... I stepped out of my world that is covered
by a thick blanket of fear and told him that when I thought that I
was going to lose him, I fell to the floor crying.
I couldn't bear the thought.
And I can swear by it when I say that I have never felt
that way before.. such deep devestation at the thought of
someone not being around.

I'm made of stone.. I recover quicker and better than humanly possible.
Until I met you and my whole world is corrupted.
Now the once so gleaming and attractive single life is looking
bleak and uninviting.
A place I don't want to dwell in at all.
So these feelings were deeper than I allowed myself to believe.

His loss right?
Of course it is, and he knows it too.
But it's just as much mine as it is his.
Because my heart is sinking deep into my body.
Hiding behind the wall that I am building back up.

And everyday I spent fighting.
Don't let them win... all these men who take over your world.
They take your heart in their hands and they rip it with their teeth.
And am I still the dream girl?
The girl they all say they want to see forever with.
But who do they really think I am?
When I go to all lengths to show them that I am not perfect.
That I am just a stupid, spoiled girl.

I'ts not my turn to get hurt anymore.
So why am I still running around trying to race ahead of these killers.
Will I ever be able to sit down and breathe?

My prayers consist of begging.
Please God, help me through this pain.
Spare my heart one more gash.
Somedays I feel like my head is spinning like the wind.

I suppose it's my fault for being here.
For never taking care of myself.
For burying my sadness in other's sadness.
All my life I have felt the weight of the world on my shoulders.
And it gets me thinking sometimes that maybe
it's all the best people in the world who are largely burdened.

I want to be one of those girls that people look at
and say... "wow if I could be that way."
The one that inspires people to be a better them.
All the while, you're just trying to be a better you.
But those people are generally surrounded by others
but are still generally very alone.

A lady once told me...

"The magnitude of your character is a large burden to carry."

And I never really understood what she meant until
I started to grow older and realized... wow, ya it's a bit of a pain.
Because of the people that would hate me because
they were jealous or just didn't like my strong personality...
they were intimidated or threatened and so they hated me.
And all for being... me.

People who CLING to me and never let go.
Every boy who thinks that he is love with me
who thinks that we are getting married
who wont let me go, ever.
Every boy who gets so scared by the thought
of falling in love with me and running.

The burden of my character.

But you know... I'm not who I portray myself to be.
I despise my weaknesses.
I despise myself when I cry.
I want to pull my hair out as punishement for making a mistake.
Always making mistakes
Always crossing the line
Always pushing away
Always saying the wrong thing

But "I just wanna be myself" -Bush, Gavin Rossdale
But do I even really know who I am?
Do I let people tell me who I am?
Or change me?
Do I let everyone walk all over me?
And is it my fault that I am in all this pain?

My face is brushed from the blistering winds
and the ever rising tides.
All day my head is spinning spinning spinning
Make it stop for now
Turn off the memories
Turn off the sunken feeling in my stomach
Turn off the lump in my throat
Make me numb
So I don't feel this anymore
Make me disappear