Is it possible that today could be one of the shittest days I've had yet?
Pretty damn close.

So its starts out with me waking up feeling so nervous about seeing William
that I could almost throw up all over myself. So I did all I could to keep
myself busy and then he arrived. I open the door and he barely even smiles at
me. I gave him a big hug and he hugged me back but there was a tension there.
We made small talk but he was definatly not his normal self. I tried so hard
to act normal but something about him was off and Im sure he could tell
I was uncomfortable too.

So we get into the car and we're driving along and I can't remember how
exactly it got brought up but he said that he thought I was mad at him.
I asked him how come and he said from the email I sent him. I explained
to him that I paniced because I havent heard from him in a week and then
when I saw the picture of him and that girl I just paniced.
He jumped the gun and with a touch of anger in his voice (he NEVER ever sounds mad)
he said "A week to me is like 10 mins to someone else."

I can't remember all that was said.. but I stook my ground.
I apologized for jumping the gun and not having more patience but
I stood by how I felt and I am so proud of myself for that because
I never do that when it comes to situations like this.
The entire ride I could tell he was hostile towards me but he would never
admit it. He said "I never get mad." As he always says.
Fuckin jackass.

I asked him if he lost feelings for me and he said no.
He said "I have never really been in this position with a girl before."
And I asked how so and he said

"Well there was always sex involve which made things so much more complicated."

and I said... "Well good thing we didn't have sex then."
he said " VERY good thing." with a little too much enthusiasm.

then I said ...."So you and I didn't have sex and now you can break away free and not be held down. You don't have to be attatched to me."

and he said "Exactly." and it was the way he said exactly that just
made me want to crawl into a hole and never ever ever come out.
He doesn't want anything to do wtih me anymore and there is nothing
I can do to change it.

I don't remember what we started talkin about but he was starting
to get angry and being very vague and rude on purpose.
So I said "forget it I am done talking."
So I looked out the window and put my hood up and sat in silence.
We sat in silence and then he said "So are you beating them off with a bat?"

And I said "What?"
He said "The guys."
me "Not really."
And then I told him some funny stories about this weekend.

I told him that I hoped that he didn't have any negative feelings
towards me and that we could still be friends.
And that was basically it. He hugged me really tightley as we were
leaving and said "I will see you when you get back."
And I didnt say anything for a little bit and I said "I'm sure you will."
But it was very obvious that I was hurt and he knew it.
I let go of him, grabbed my bag and walked away.

So maybe he isn't a good of a guy as he was in the beginning.
Or maybe he is... but regardless, he isn't that man anymore
and there is nothing I can do but look forward and pray to forget
all about him.
Because this knife in my heart is not becoming me.

As we sat there and I looked at him, I felt the distance.
And it was wider and farther than the ocean.
So here I go, moving on.
Always pushing forward - always enduring.
Never ever ever quitting.

But its all I can do to just try not to curl up in a ball
in this airport chair and cry til tomorrow.
What a day.
Not to mention I had to go through the security checkin
3 muther fucking times becore I got to my damn gate.
And I feel natious and I am hot and sweaty from being so
nervous.
I feel ugly and stressed and worthless.
And I get to go home to hold my moms hand and hope that she
can pull through.

I just don't want to do this anymore.
But I will persevere.