The biggest reason that I read that poem at my moms funeral, was to prove that I was strong. Strong for my mom. Because the night she died... when I got that phone call that killed half of me. I was SCREAMING.. just gut wrenching screams. I kept screaming NO and my dad was yelling at me saying 'YOU HAVE TO BE STRONG FOR ME! YOU HAVE TO BE STRONG!"And when he said it, it was like a ton of bricks fell on my head. And I stopped crying and I immediatly said "Ok daddy." And I think... that I just realized the moment that changed me for good. Does that make any sense?
I ask that a lot becuase I feel like Im not very good putting my feeling into words.
And that time at the hospital when I was being so strong for him, and i was on overload and the tears just started coming out and i started SOBBING in the hallway. I just couldnt stop it.. and he hit me on the back, like I was a football player, and told me to "hey suck it up, ok?" and he always had a little anger in his voice, when he said it. Like it made him mad... he was embarrassed of me, for crying. And thats why I get embarrassed when I cry...So then I went into the corner because that made me hyperventalate and I had to do my panic attack breathing in the corner. He stood there annoyed and kept telling me "hey, u need to breathe."
duh.
I love my dad, terribly terribly. But he has hurt me so fucking much.. and u know what i hate?! I hate that he has that power over me. Thats what I HATE the most. And I hate myself for loving someone who has destroyed so much of me.. and all these years of fighting so hard against it. He could have been different. He could have loved me a little more. I know I will never be my mom... but I can hear his eyes scream that when he looks at me. He's thinking.. "You look like her, but you aren't her." And thats jsut never going to be enough for him.
Tom said that I am not the girl he used to know. He said half of me died on the day when my mom died and I feel like that's completely true. I just didn't know how to put it in words. Half of me.. He said "You used to shine with so much life. IT was intoxicating. And now you are just.. there. You don't shine anymore."
And I know I dont. I can feel it. I feel like a stone, somedays. Like some cold pebble on a beach. Insignificant now, becuase I lost what made me... "me." So what then... is so defining in us? How can one person.. take SO much of you? And there is nothing that you can do about it? And if they are gone.. you are left paralyzed from the waste down. Its a wonder how you can go through your days not really wanting to breathe but u do it anyways. And if it didn't happen automatically, I wouldnt at all.
DashboardSunday, October 22, 2006
Posted by Anjel Darlin at 12:46 PM
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