These song triggers of confusion.
And how the hell am I supposed to forget about you?
How can I just... move on and get you OUT OF MY HEAD?!
I don't want to feel this way anymore...
Not for someone who doesn't deserve it.
And I am left clueless... I have no idea what's going on.
I thought I might need you.
I thought you were going to help me through this.
And I'm here all alone.
But I guess you get what's coming to you in the end
and I am pretty sure that I am a really horrible person.
For the hearts I play with like toys.
Like they are nothing... and I am supposidly so compassionate.
But what kind of a good soul breaks so many hearts?
Am I really so innocent?
I don't mean to hurt them.
I really don't.
I think that... each one, I try so hard to love them.
But I fail because they never were right for me.
And then I met someone that I wasn't even TRYING to love.
And fell despite it.
He did to me what I have done to others.
And so I have no right to complain for my heartaches
because I brought it on myself.
If I could transform into something better...
I would be someone who loves honestly and wholy without fear.
Who trusts and gives in a close relationship with someone else ...
And love swithout the fear of disappointment.
Oh this mess I am.
It'll be years before I am anything.
But I won't tell a soul... that I'm losing my faith.
Because they all depend on me to be this strong always faithful girl.
But I'm very very confused right now.
God, please.... help me.
Send me an angel.
Dashboard
Sunday, November 05, 2006
10:08 AM - Psychobabble
I must be crazy. This clausterphobic sunrise. Sleep is peace. Sleep is escape. Except when you dream. But when you dream it is your reality. And she is always in it. And when I see her, she is mine, just like she has always been. She smiles her big beautiful smile and her blue eyes sparkle. It's insane how much she loves me. And I walk around in my dreams with my head up. Like I have just won the lottery. I had it all.
Now I am boneless. My skin is filthy and all that is inside me is dust. I wander around like a ghost in the night. Telling people whatever I please. I'll do whatever I please. I've got an imaginary rope holding my head up above, like it used to hang on its own. When I take the rope down, my head falls off and rolls on the ground. It's an empty old bowl. Dusty from the years.
My hands are dirty with mistakes I've made. My eyes are pure grey and never changing. My iris' don't dance and sing in the light. They are perfectly still. I wander around from person to person, cocking my head as if they might have the answers I need to know. This confusion. How did I get so decrepid? How did I get this close to death?
But each person doesn't know what to say to me. They stare blankly back at me. They can't figure out who I am anymore. I know I don't belong here anymore, my dusty bowl replies to my sigh. So I'll walk up and over this hill. I'll climb to find someone just like me
I must be crazy. This clausterphobic sunrise. Sleep is peace. Sleep is escape. Except when you dream. But when you dream it is your reality. And she is always in it. And when I see her, she is mine, just like she has always been. She smiles her big beautiful smile and her blue eyes sparkle. It's insane how much she loves me. And I walk around in my dreams with my head up. Like I have just won the lottery. I had it all.
Now I am boneless. My skin is filthy and all that is inside me is dust. I wander around like a ghost in the night. Telling people whatever I please. I'll do whatever I please. I've got an imaginary rope holding my head up above, like it used to hang on its own. When I take the rope down, my head falls off and rolls on the ground. It's an empty old bowl. Dusty from the years.
My hands are dirty with mistakes I've made. My eyes are pure grey and never changing. My iris' don't dance and sing in the light. They are perfectly still. I wander around from person to person, cocking my head as if they might have the answers I need to know. This confusion. How did I get so decrepid? How did I get this close to death?
But each person doesn't know what to say to me. They stare blankly back at me. They can't figure out who I am anymore. I know I don't belong here anymore, my dusty bowl replies to my sigh. So I'll walk up and over this hill. I'll climb to find someone just like me