Will someone let me know if this is for real... or am I really this alone?
And this isn't something I can share wtih my friends.
Because they will think that I am saying that they aren't fullfilling.
Because I love my friends... but I just cant.. I'm not capable of opening
up and allowing myself to feel like its OK to be close/intimate with someone.
But now I feel so worn out on men... on liars.. and betrayers.
Disappointment after heartache. And its no wonder why I am a so called
"maneater." Because I take control of the pain before they cause
it on me... but recently, I stuck it out wtih someone... I was brave.
I wanted to see, for once, where it would go.
I didn't want it to go away... and I still think about it all the time.
And I've been secretely hoping for someone to come along and help
me to forget all about him.
And one that I thought was SO trustworthy... is a filthy liar.

So forgive me, for being the doubting thomas that I am.
For the distance that I persist upon.
Half of me died, is what it seems... and in that half of me
went part of my spirit.
Maybe part of my heart... am I too vain now..
too full of the reaction of all the men.
They watch me walk past them and have a look of awe in their eyes
and their relaxed jaws.
Some of them biting their tongues of things to say to me, for fear
of rejection...
As I walk, hips left to right, in deliberate fierceness that would
portray an unwelcoming strong women.
Yet a teas who wants you to look, but don't you dare touch.
Admire from a distance and don't try to learn her like a book.
She will create a world in her mind, make it real and convice everyone
on her side.
Then break it to the boy... it's just not the right time.
And that boy, goes on to tell his family and friends of the girl who
broke his heart once.
How he thought I was the one and was still upset about me.
So is that what is defining me these days?
All these bad habits I have picked up.
Sometimes I get so fucked up I don't even remember some days.
And its happening right in front of my eyes.
But I still feel like I have nothing.
So is that my fault for shutting out or is it just simply that I feel
like I have no one to open up to.

I hate men sometimes.
Sometimes I hate them so deeply as I walk down the street.
I see the staring and thinking their dirty thoughts.
Like its supposed to be a compliment that when men see you
walking by, they think about what it would be like to fuck you.
But they pretend to be the guy that they think that she will like
so they can get in... then the truth is revealed.
And each time she questions... why did I even trust again?

Jealous of the moon.. because it gets to fly.
But yet it sits there, each day, and doesn't have the option of turning his head
to all the gory preverse actions of human pursuit.
We are all pursuing the same thing... but none of know what it is.
And how, is that in itself, not humbling.
We all think we deserve the world, handed to us on a gold platter.
Envious over things that don't matter.
A girl 15 lbs lighter... you would love to fit in those small of jeans.
Have men look at you like you see them look at her.
Buy that sports car and pick up arm candy to take around town.
Use your money to buy friends and with each toy, expect that hole to be,
once and for all, filled.
But it won't be... not at all.

So this would present a thought... who is ready for a change?
But what can you really change... when its not pyschology that we control.
And its not geology and its not astrology who tells us who we are.
Because we are all individuals... not a soul determined by someone in a cubicle
in some cloudy city.
The fear is what leads us all.
And it is what will lead most of us, until there is no more us left.

When you are stubborn and prideful by nature...
do you turn the other cheek or simply lean on the simple though tthat, hey!
This is me. Take it or leave it.
But what if they left it?

I would say that my thoughts are much too deep to confide in people.
And perhaps I have always known that and therefore adding to my
"closing up" and bottling up everything in my mind.
Or this world of mind... did I create it?
Am I just as bad as the fools in my path?
We all have skeletons in our closet and I do believe I have more than most.
Or maybe we are all just empty shells that fill with doubts and wisdom through
their lifetime.

But doubt has a negative association...
Except for that one philospher... what's his name... who had something
called the Principle of doubt or something to that effect.
Saying that whatever surpased hsi tests of doubts are the things that were
worthy for him to believe...
A very noble and earnest thought.
But are we so deserving... to find out the "meaning of life" in simple
deduction process'?

Though, these days it is new to teach your babies sign language.
Will anyone ever teach them how to COMMUNICATE?!
In this digital age... we're texting at the dinner table.
Emailing instead of phone calls... the gaps are widened by technology.
Yet we worship it, in the escape that it presents us.
Because thats all we ever really want to do.