Will someone let me know if this is for real... or am I really this alone?
And this isn't something I can share wtih my friends.
Because they will think that I am saying that they aren't fullfilling.
Because I love my friends... but I just cant.. I'm not capable of opening
up and allowing myself to feel like its OK to be close/intimate with someone.
But now I feel so worn out on men... on liars.. and betrayers.
Disappointment after heartache. And its no wonder why I am a so called
"maneater." Because I take control of the pain before they cause
it on me... but recently, I stuck it out wtih someone... I was brave.
I wanted to see, for once, where it would go.
I didn't want it to go away... and I still think about it all the time.
And I've been secretely hoping for someone to come along and help
me to forget all about him.
And one that I thought was SO trustworthy... is a filthy liar.
So forgive me, for being the doubting thomas that I am.
For the distance that I persist upon.
Half of me died, is what it seems... and in that half of me
went part of my spirit.
Maybe part of my heart... am I too vain now..
too full of the reaction of all the men.
They watch me walk past them and have a look of awe in their eyes
and their relaxed jaws.
Some of them biting their tongues of things to say to me, for fear
of rejection...
As I walk, hips left to right, in deliberate fierceness that would
portray an unwelcoming strong women.
Yet a teas who wants you to look, but don't you dare touch.
Admire from a distance and don't try to learn her like a book.
She will create a world in her mind, make it real and convice everyone
on her side.
Then break it to the boy... it's just not the right time.
And that boy, goes on to tell his family and friends of the girl who
broke his heart once.
How he thought I was the one and was still upset about me.
So is that what is defining me these days?
All these bad habits I have picked up.
Sometimes I get so fucked up I don't even remember some days.
And its happening right in front of my eyes.
But I still feel like I have nothing.
So is that my fault for shutting out or is it just simply that I feel
like I have no one to open up to.
I hate men sometimes.
Sometimes I hate them so deeply as I walk down the street.
I see the staring and thinking their dirty thoughts.
Like its supposed to be a compliment that when men see you
walking by, they think about what it would be like to fuck you.
But they pretend to be the guy that they think that she will like
so they can get in... then the truth is revealed.
And each time she questions... why did I even trust again?
Dashboard
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
Jealous of the moon.. because it gets to fly.
But yet it sits there, each day, and doesn't have the option of turning his head
to all the gory preverse actions of human pursuit.
We are all pursuing the same thing... but none of know what it is.
And how, is that in itself, not humbling.
We all think we deserve the world, handed to us on a gold platter.
Envious over things that don't matter.
A girl 15 lbs lighter... you would love to fit in those small of jeans.
Have men look at you like you see them look at her.
Buy that sports car and pick up arm candy to take around town.
Use your money to buy friends and with each toy, expect that hole to be,
once and for all, filled.
But it won't be... not at all.
So this would present a thought... who is ready for a change?
But what can you really change... when its not pyschology that we control.
And its not geology and its not astrology who tells us who we are.
Because we are all individuals... not a soul determined by someone in a cubicle
in some cloudy city.
The fear is what leads us all.
And it is what will lead most of us, until there is no more us left.
When you are stubborn and prideful by nature...
do you turn the other cheek or simply lean on the simple though tthat, hey!
This is me. Take it or leave it.
But what if they left it?
I would say that my thoughts are much too deep to confide in people.
And perhaps I have always known that and therefore adding to my
"closing up" and bottling up everything in my mind.
Or this world of mind... did I create it?
Am I just as bad as the fools in my path?
We all have skeletons in our closet and I do believe I have more than most.
Or maybe we are all just empty shells that fill with doubts and wisdom through
their lifetime.
But doubt has a negative association...
Except for that one philospher... what's his name... who had something
called the Principle of doubt or something to that effect.
Saying that whatever surpased hsi tests of doubts are the things that were
worthy for him to believe...
A very noble and earnest thought.
But are we so deserving... to find out the "meaning of life" in simple
deduction process'?
Though, these days it is new to teach your babies sign language.
Will anyone ever teach them how to COMMUNICATE?!
In this digital age... we're texting at the dinner table.
Emailing instead of phone calls... the gaps are widened by technology.
Yet we worship it, in the escape that it presents us.
Because thats all we ever really want to do.
But yet it sits there, each day, and doesn't have the option of turning his head
to all the gory preverse actions of human pursuit.
We are all pursuing the same thing... but none of know what it is.
And how, is that in itself, not humbling.
We all think we deserve the world, handed to us on a gold platter.
Envious over things that don't matter.
A girl 15 lbs lighter... you would love to fit in those small of jeans.
Have men look at you like you see them look at her.
Buy that sports car and pick up arm candy to take around town.
Use your money to buy friends and with each toy, expect that hole to be,
once and for all, filled.
But it won't be... not at all.
So this would present a thought... who is ready for a change?
But what can you really change... when its not pyschology that we control.
And its not geology and its not astrology who tells us who we are.
Because we are all individuals... not a soul determined by someone in a cubicle
in some cloudy city.
The fear is what leads us all.
And it is what will lead most of us, until there is no more us left.
When you are stubborn and prideful by nature...
do you turn the other cheek or simply lean on the simple though tthat, hey!
This is me. Take it or leave it.
But what if they left it?
I would say that my thoughts are much too deep to confide in people.
And perhaps I have always known that and therefore adding to my
"closing up" and bottling up everything in my mind.
Or this world of mind... did I create it?
Am I just as bad as the fools in my path?
We all have skeletons in our closet and I do believe I have more than most.
Or maybe we are all just empty shells that fill with doubts and wisdom through
their lifetime.
But doubt has a negative association...
Except for that one philospher... what's his name... who had something
called the Principle of doubt or something to that effect.
Saying that whatever surpased hsi tests of doubts are the things that were
worthy for him to believe...
A very noble and earnest thought.
But are we so deserving... to find out the "meaning of life" in simple
deduction process'?
Though, these days it is new to teach your babies sign language.
Will anyone ever teach them how to COMMUNICATE?!
In this digital age... we're texting at the dinner table.
Emailing instead of phone calls... the gaps are widened by technology.
Yet we worship it, in the escape that it presents us.
Because thats all we ever really want to do.
Monday, November 06, 2006
These song triggers of confusion.
And how the hell am I supposed to forget about you?
How can I just... move on and get you OUT OF MY HEAD?!
I don't want to feel this way anymore...
Not for someone who doesn't deserve it.
And I am left clueless... I have no idea what's going on.
I thought I might need you.
I thought you were going to help me through this.
And I'm here all alone.
But I guess you get what's coming to you in the end
and I am pretty sure that I am a really horrible person.
For the hearts I play with like toys.
Like they are nothing... and I am supposidly so compassionate.
But what kind of a good soul breaks so many hearts?
Am I really so innocent?
I don't mean to hurt them.
I really don't.
I think that... each one, I try so hard to love them.
But I fail because they never were right for me.
And then I met someone that I wasn't even TRYING to love.
And fell despite it.
He did to me what I have done to others.
And so I have no right to complain for my heartaches
because I brought it on myself.
If I could transform into something better...
I would be someone who loves honestly and wholy without fear.
Who trusts and gives in a close relationship with someone else ...
And love swithout the fear of disappointment.
Oh this mess I am.
It'll be years before I am anything.
But I won't tell a soul... that I'm losing my faith.
Because they all depend on me to be this strong always faithful girl.
But I'm very very confused right now.
God, please.... help me.
Send me an angel.
And how the hell am I supposed to forget about you?
How can I just... move on and get you OUT OF MY HEAD?!
I don't want to feel this way anymore...
Not for someone who doesn't deserve it.
And I am left clueless... I have no idea what's going on.
I thought I might need you.
I thought you were going to help me through this.
And I'm here all alone.
But I guess you get what's coming to you in the end
and I am pretty sure that I am a really horrible person.
For the hearts I play with like toys.
Like they are nothing... and I am supposidly so compassionate.
But what kind of a good soul breaks so many hearts?
Am I really so innocent?
I don't mean to hurt them.
I really don't.
I think that... each one, I try so hard to love them.
But I fail because they never were right for me.
And then I met someone that I wasn't even TRYING to love.
And fell despite it.
He did to me what I have done to others.
And so I have no right to complain for my heartaches
because I brought it on myself.
If I could transform into something better...
I would be someone who loves honestly and wholy without fear.
Who trusts and gives in a close relationship with someone else ...
And love swithout the fear of disappointment.
Oh this mess I am.
It'll be years before I am anything.
But I won't tell a soul... that I'm losing my faith.
Because they all depend on me to be this strong always faithful girl.
But I'm very very confused right now.
God, please.... help me.
Send me an angel.
Sunday, November 05, 2006
10:08 AM - Psychobabble
I must be crazy. This clausterphobic sunrise. Sleep is peace. Sleep is escape. Except when you dream. But when you dream it is your reality. And she is always in it. And when I see her, she is mine, just like she has always been. She smiles her big beautiful smile and her blue eyes sparkle. It's insane how much she loves me. And I walk around in my dreams with my head up. Like I have just won the lottery. I had it all.
Now I am boneless. My skin is filthy and all that is inside me is dust. I wander around like a ghost in the night. Telling people whatever I please. I'll do whatever I please. I've got an imaginary rope holding my head up above, like it used to hang on its own. When I take the rope down, my head falls off and rolls on the ground. It's an empty old bowl. Dusty from the years.
My hands are dirty with mistakes I've made. My eyes are pure grey and never changing. My iris' don't dance and sing in the light. They are perfectly still. I wander around from person to person, cocking my head as if they might have the answers I need to know. This confusion. How did I get so decrepid? How did I get this close to death?
But each person doesn't know what to say to me. They stare blankly back at me. They can't figure out who I am anymore. I know I don't belong here anymore, my dusty bowl replies to my sigh. So I'll walk up and over this hill. I'll climb to find someone just like me
I must be crazy. This clausterphobic sunrise. Sleep is peace. Sleep is escape. Except when you dream. But when you dream it is your reality. And she is always in it. And when I see her, she is mine, just like she has always been. She smiles her big beautiful smile and her blue eyes sparkle. It's insane how much she loves me. And I walk around in my dreams with my head up. Like I have just won the lottery. I had it all.
Now I am boneless. My skin is filthy and all that is inside me is dust. I wander around like a ghost in the night. Telling people whatever I please. I'll do whatever I please. I've got an imaginary rope holding my head up above, like it used to hang on its own. When I take the rope down, my head falls off and rolls on the ground. It's an empty old bowl. Dusty from the years.
My hands are dirty with mistakes I've made. My eyes are pure grey and never changing. My iris' don't dance and sing in the light. They are perfectly still. I wander around from person to person, cocking my head as if they might have the answers I need to know. This confusion. How did I get so decrepid? How did I get this close to death?
But each person doesn't know what to say to me. They stare blankly back at me. They can't figure out who I am anymore. I know I don't belong here anymore, my dusty bowl replies to my sigh. So I'll walk up and over this hill. I'll climb to find someone just like me
Sunday, October 29, 2006
The strangest things remind me of my mother.
Reading the word "Froogle" made my heart feel that sharp prick of pain.
She would have liked that word.
I don't think anyone really understands what was between her and I.
And I don't think I fully understood it yet either.
And it was robbed from me.
So here I am... standing in the cold of night... shivering and having lost
my vision, I just stand there.
And there are many passer bys... they all wave and hug.
Trying anything they can to get into me.
To see if there is a soul in that epty void of existance.
Sounds brutally dramatic, like an over done play.
But this world is real to me.
This is all I know now... with a faint memory of how things
used to be.
And the person I used to be.
All good things must come to an end...
but why couldn't I have been a little older?
I needed more time... maybe even one more year.
A month before my 21st birthday.
We were going to go vegas and she was going to buy me
my first drink.
I didn't care about going out and getting drunk wtih my friends.
I just wanted to be with her...
I always did.
The period where she was in idaho and i was here over the summer,
I hadn't seen her in over a month.. almost 2.
And that was the longest time in my life and I had never felt so lonely.
And then I met a boy... a boy who got very close to filling that empty lot.
And although deep down I knew, I still thought that I had my best friend too.
But things can be very surfaced, I learn.
Deep down, in all logic and reality, you have nothing.
Becuase when all those things that are there but dont define you,
they will leave and you will crash and burn because you never faced up
to your duty as a human.
You are morally bankrupt to yourself and you swim in pride as if
it brought you happiness.
Surface.
So you admit these conclusions aloud and know they are all true.
But you turn your back on those too.
Because they are just too much and you don't know how to change.
And you're probably too prideful to even try.
Squirm.
I can't ever settle down.
I debate taking naps... and I beat myself up for it.
You're being lazy... You need to DO something.
I'm too fat.
I'm not even trying to figure out how i got so bad.
And my poor victims. The men that I date.
The poor unfortunate souls that I devour with shame in my eyes.
But is it real? Do I really feel bad?
I lie to myself.. and oh I am good at it too.
And "oh, yes I like him"
but I never do.
And I will leave them jsut like i left the ones before.
Confused and attatched with nothing to do with it.
I remember when I used to manufacture sadness in my room at night.
Becuase I had all this sadness and I didn't know what to do with it,
so I would imagine things to make me cry so I could feel better.
My mom.
She's in every single thing. Every Single Fucking Thing.
And I have lost my ability to feel.
I've said it a million times... it's all I know how to say.
Nothing Means Anything Anymore.
Cold hard truth.... I'm empty.
So a very nice man gave me a book as a gift, instead of flowers.
A very nice gift to give and I should have felt... flattered, giddy, happy.
But I felt unappreciative... like "why are you doing this"
Somehow resenting how he was nice and genuine to me...
I'm not sure why.
All I could think about is how I want to tell mom everything.
Mom, he got me a book! How cute is that.
She would have loved that.
Mom, he says I have your smile and that our eyes disappear when we smile.
He said it was beautiful.
She would have loved him, a lot.
But I can't like him now, because of this.
I resent him and don't want to be near him now.
But this is the same thing I always do...
And I was so close to being better.
So fucking close.
I was talking to Tom... and for some reason, a comfort zone I suppose,
I always talk to him about deep shit.
Maybe I feel like it doesnt really matter what I say to him, becuase
I know that he wont judge me, and even if he did, it wouldn't effect me.
So I was laying there, in a sad mood and I wanted to vent...
and I started talking about how I feel like I have nothing.
And ok, I realize that my friends are probably really tired of hearing me say that
but understand this... I have nothing else to say.
I literally have no words on anything... I feel like a blank and hollow void.
Anyways... so he goes on and says he "knows how i feel"
and things are really hard for him and so on, as always.
He was nice for awhile and tried SUPER hard to be mr. rescue anjee
but he really is just a self centered person.
He just tries so hard to cover it up but I see right through that
and I think everyone else does too.
And THATS why he has so many issues with people.
Danny represents something that is scary, to me.
And maybe its becuase he tries to dig deep into who i am.
He wants to know every bit of everything i could every possibly know or think.
And that just makes me say... "Ok, time to run, go anjee run!"
That's literally what goes on in my head, by the way.
So he wants to know "whats on your mind? Whats bothering you?"
He can "tell" that something is wrong.
And me, a natural at "putting people off", said some off hand comment
that would sway him from that topic to another.
But it didn't work... and he gets frustrated cause I dont tell him anything.
The kids headed straight for a disaster, tell you that much.
Feels good talking to no one.
It feels like no one can judge me... I can only take care of my thoughts.
No one needs to see that part of me, they don't.
I don't see how people can do that.
But I do admire it, from a distance.
And every now and again I try it...
And then end up breaking so and so's heart, just like the time
i broke so and so and another so and so's.
Reading the word "Froogle" made my heart feel that sharp prick of pain.
She would have liked that word.
I don't think anyone really understands what was between her and I.
And I don't think I fully understood it yet either.
And it was robbed from me.
So here I am... standing in the cold of night... shivering and having lost
my vision, I just stand there.
And there are many passer bys... they all wave and hug.
Trying anything they can to get into me.
To see if there is a soul in that epty void of existance.
Sounds brutally dramatic, like an over done play.
But this world is real to me.
This is all I know now... with a faint memory of how things
used to be.
And the person I used to be.
All good things must come to an end...
but why couldn't I have been a little older?
I needed more time... maybe even one more year.
A month before my 21st birthday.
We were going to go vegas and she was going to buy me
my first drink.
I didn't care about going out and getting drunk wtih my friends.
I just wanted to be with her...
I always did.
The period where she was in idaho and i was here over the summer,
I hadn't seen her in over a month.. almost 2.
And that was the longest time in my life and I had never felt so lonely.
And then I met a boy... a boy who got very close to filling that empty lot.
And although deep down I knew, I still thought that I had my best friend too.
But things can be very surfaced, I learn.
Deep down, in all logic and reality, you have nothing.
Becuase when all those things that are there but dont define you,
they will leave and you will crash and burn because you never faced up
to your duty as a human.
You are morally bankrupt to yourself and you swim in pride as if
it brought you happiness.
Surface.
So you admit these conclusions aloud and know they are all true.
But you turn your back on those too.
Because they are just too much and you don't know how to change.
And you're probably too prideful to even try.
Squirm.
I can't ever settle down.
I debate taking naps... and I beat myself up for it.
You're being lazy... You need to DO something.
I'm too fat.
I'm not even trying to figure out how i got so bad.
And my poor victims. The men that I date.
The poor unfortunate souls that I devour with shame in my eyes.
But is it real? Do I really feel bad?
I lie to myself.. and oh I am good at it too.
And "oh, yes I like him"
but I never do.
And I will leave them jsut like i left the ones before.
Confused and attatched with nothing to do with it.
I remember when I used to manufacture sadness in my room at night.
Becuase I had all this sadness and I didn't know what to do with it,
so I would imagine things to make me cry so I could feel better.
My mom.
She's in every single thing. Every Single Fucking Thing.
And I have lost my ability to feel.
I've said it a million times... it's all I know how to say.
Nothing Means Anything Anymore.
Cold hard truth.... I'm empty.
So a very nice man gave me a book as a gift, instead of flowers.
A very nice gift to give and I should have felt... flattered, giddy, happy.
But I felt unappreciative... like "why are you doing this"
Somehow resenting how he was nice and genuine to me...
I'm not sure why.
All I could think about is how I want to tell mom everything.
Mom, he got me a book! How cute is that.
She would have loved that.
Mom, he says I have your smile and that our eyes disappear when we smile.
He said it was beautiful.
She would have loved him, a lot.
But I can't like him now, because of this.
I resent him and don't want to be near him now.
But this is the same thing I always do...
And I was so close to being better.
So fucking close.
I was talking to Tom... and for some reason, a comfort zone I suppose,
I always talk to him about deep shit.
Maybe I feel like it doesnt really matter what I say to him, becuase
I know that he wont judge me, and even if he did, it wouldn't effect me.
So I was laying there, in a sad mood and I wanted to vent...
and I started talking about how I feel like I have nothing.
And ok, I realize that my friends are probably really tired of hearing me say that
but understand this... I have nothing else to say.
I literally have no words on anything... I feel like a blank and hollow void.
Anyways... so he goes on and says he "knows how i feel"
and things are really hard for him and so on, as always.
He was nice for awhile and tried SUPER hard to be mr. rescue anjee
but he really is just a self centered person.
He just tries so hard to cover it up but I see right through that
and I think everyone else does too.
And THATS why he has so many issues with people.
Danny represents something that is scary, to me.
And maybe its becuase he tries to dig deep into who i am.
He wants to know every bit of everything i could every possibly know or think.
And that just makes me say... "Ok, time to run, go anjee run!"
That's literally what goes on in my head, by the way.
So he wants to know "whats on your mind? Whats bothering you?"
He can "tell" that something is wrong.
And me, a natural at "putting people off", said some off hand comment
that would sway him from that topic to another.
But it didn't work... and he gets frustrated cause I dont tell him anything.
The kids headed straight for a disaster, tell you that much.
Feels good talking to no one.
It feels like no one can judge me... I can only take care of my thoughts.
No one needs to see that part of me, they don't.
I don't see how people can do that.
But I do admire it, from a distance.
And every now and again I try it...
And then end up breaking so and so's heart, just like the time
i broke so and so and another so and so's.
Sunday, October 22, 2006
The biggest reason that I read that poem at my moms funeral, was to prove that I was strong. Strong for my mom. Because the night she died... when I got that phone call that killed half of me. I was SCREAMING.. just gut wrenching screams. I kept screaming NO and my dad was yelling at me saying 'YOU HAVE TO BE STRONG FOR ME! YOU HAVE TO BE STRONG!"And when he said it, it was like a ton of bricks fell on my head. And I stopped crying and I immediatly said "Ok daddy." And I think... that I just realized the moment that changed me for good. Does that make any sense?
I ask that a lot becuase I feel like Im not very good putting my feeling into words.
And that time at the hospital when I was being so strong for him, and i was on overload and the tears just started coming out and i started SOBBING in the hallway. I just couldnt stop it.. and he hit me on the back, like I was a football player, and told me to "hey suck it up, ok?" and he always had a little anger in his voice, when he said it. Like it made him mad... he was embarrassed of me, for crying. And thats why I get embarrassed when I cry...So then I went into the corner because that made me hyperventalate and I had to do my panic attack breathing in the corner. He stood there annoyed and kept telling me "hey, u need to breathe."
duh.
I love my dad, terribly terribly. But he has hurt me so fucking much.. and u know what i hate?! I hate that he has that power over me. Thats what I HATE the most. And I hate myself for loving someone who has destroyed so much of me.. and all these years of fighting so hard against it. He could have been different. He could have loved me a little more. I know I will never be my mom... but I can hear his eyes scream that when he looks at me. He's thinking.. "You look like her, but you aren't her." And thats jsut never going to be enough for him.
Tom said that I am not the girl he used to know. He said half of me died on the day when my mom died and I feel like that's completely true. I just didn't know how to put it in words. Half of me.. He said "You used to shine with so much life. IT was intoxicating. And now you are just.. there. You don't shine anymore."
And I know I dont. I can feel it. I feel like a stone, somedays. Like some cold pebble on a beach. Insignificant now, becuase I lost what made me... "me." So what then... is so defining in us? How can one person.. take SO much of you? And there is nothing that you can do about it? And if they are gone.. you are left paralyzed from the waste down. Its a wonder how you can go through your days not really wanting to breathe but u do it anyways. And if it didn't happen automatically, I wouldnt at all.
I ask that a lot becuase I feel like Im not very good putting my feeling into words.
And that time at the hospital when I was being so strong for him, and i was on overload and the tears just started coming out and i started SOBBING in the hallway. I just couldnt stop it.. and he hit me on the back, like I was a football player, and told me to "hey suck it up, ok?" and he always had a little anger in his voice, when he said it. Like it made him mad... he was embarrassed of me, for crying. And thats why I get embarrassed when I cry...So then I went into the corner because that made me hyperventalate and I had to do my panic attack breathing in the corner. He stood there annoyed and kept telling me "hey, u need to breathe."
duh.
I love my dad, terribly terribly. But he has hurt me so fucking much.. and u know what i hate?! I hate that he has that power over me. Thats what I HATE the most. And I hate myself for loving someone who has destroyed so much of me.. and all these years of fighting so hard against it. He could have been different. He could have loved me a little more. I know I will never be my mom... but I can hear his eyes scream that when he looks at me. He's thinking.. "You look like her, but you aren't her." And thats jsut never going to be enough for him.
Tom said that I am not the girl he used to know. He said half of me died on the day when my mom died and I feel like that's completely true. I just didn't know how to put it in words. Half of me.. He said "You used to shine with so much life. IT was intoxicating. And now you are just.. there. You don't shine anymore."
And I know I dont. I can feel it. I feel like a stone, somedays. Like some cold pebble on a beach. Insignificant now, becuase I lost what made me... "me." So what then... is so defining in us? How can one person.. take SO much of you? And there is nothing that you can do about it? And if they are gone.. you are left paralyzed from the waste down. Its a wonder how you can go through your days not really wanting to breathe but u do it anyways. And if it didn't happen automatically, I wouldnt at all.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
So I'm back at the airport with finally time to breathe and update my bloggy wog.
This week has been one giant blur and I have lost my sense of time completely.
Mom hasn't really improved in the week that I have spent with her.
She is getting a hole in her throat today so she can start breathing on her own (cross your fingers... better yet, PRAY HARD!)
The hardest part is how sad she is.
Her eyes have been lifeless... when I look into them, it feels like you
are looking at a lifeless person.
Up until yesterday that is. Now her eyes are full of complete sadness.
She just lays there.. not wanting to move or even breathe.
She cannot speak but she can move her mouth and yetsterday we could
barely make it out but we think she was asking us to let her go.
She has wanted to die for some time now, living with a chronic illness for 17 years.
My dad and I discussed what we should do...
Should we grant her wish and let her go and be freed from pain?
She has a living will that we have already semi-violated by putting
her on the ventilators and everything...
But she isn't terminal, not just yet.
If she quits the fight though, she will be and her body will quit on her.
The stroke really did a number on her too...
It was a major stroke but the damage is good in comparison to the
level of the stroke that it was.
There are so many little and big things happening like her pnumonia (sp)
and her hole in her heart (which will require surgery) and the embelisim
in her lungs... the list goes on.
The positive to this giant negative is that Eric and Dad and I have gotten
really closed. We cling to eachother like something sticky and it feels
really great to have their love surrounding me.
Michael hasn't been there as much and only came to see mom twice
that I know of... He just retreats to his own world but it makes it
harder on us and harder on mom.
I could go on for days about her... but there are a lot of people praying,
or so they claim to be. My mom has lost hope but we haven't ad thats what
love is for
This week has been one giant blur and I have lost my sense of time completely.
Mom hasn't really improved in the week that I have spent with her.
She is getting a hole in her throat today so she can start breathing on her own (cross your fingers... better yet, PRAY HARD!)
The hardest part is how sad she is.
Her eyes have been lifeless... when I look into them, it feels like you
are looking at a lifeless person.
Up until yesterday that is. Now her eyes are full of complete sadness.
She just lays there.. not wanting to move or even breathe.
She cannot speak but she can move her mouth and yetsterday we could
barely make it out but we think she was asking us to let her go.
She has wanted to die for some time now, living with a chronic illness for 17 years.
My dad and I discussed what we should do...
Should we grant her wish and let her go and be freed from pain?
She has a living will that we have already semi-violated by putting
her on the ventilators and everything...
But she isn't terminal, not just yet.
If she quits the fight though, she will be and her body will quit on her.
The stroke really did a number on her too...
It was a major stroke but the damage is good in comparison to the
level of the stroke that it was.
There are so many little and big things happening like her pnumonia (sp)
and her hole in her heart (which will require surgery) and the embelisim
in her lungs... the list goes on.
The positive to this giant negative is that Eric and Dad and I have gotten
really closed. We cling to eachother like something sticky and it feels
really great to have their love surrounding me.
Michael hasn't been there as much and only came to see mom twice
that I know of... He just retreats to his own world but it makes it
harder on us and harder on mom.
I could go on for days about her... but there are a lot of people praying,
or so they claim to be. My mom has lost hope but we haven't ad thats what
love is for